I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
