Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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