I need help removing her.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
