this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
