Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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