in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
