Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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