There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
No more Irish car bombs ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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