There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what day is it and did you see me today?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
