It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
