if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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