My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
