Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
