Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
