I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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