Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
