the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
im holly from the hills drunk
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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