there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
