when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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