My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
