last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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