I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
