I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm sobbing to NWA
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
