I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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