I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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