were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
