We won't sleep together?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
