I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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