new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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