I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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