nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
