textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
