Your dad touched me again.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
