I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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