thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
