she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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