oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
