he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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