ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
