Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm both gender and math confused
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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