I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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