i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
