as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
