Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
