i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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