i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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