i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
