I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
