i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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