umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
