I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
