omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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