My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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