btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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