i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
