I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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