After last night, I could never be a politician.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
