I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
