It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
