bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
