Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
