I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
