Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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